He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
