I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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