When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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