i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
