I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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