and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Randomize
