I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
But break dance skills will only take you so far
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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