I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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