Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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