Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
