Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
