roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
