I'm pants shitting drunk right now
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
