took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
