im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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