I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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