I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
