drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
