Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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