I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
