I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
