i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
