please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
