Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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