She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
