your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Randomize
