I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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