Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
