This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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