she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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