I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize