I think my fart just growled at me.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
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