May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
