My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
