i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
