My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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