apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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