Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Is it penis luge time yet?
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
