Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
