I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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