Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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