A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We just shotgunned beers for America
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
