i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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