Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
