I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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