Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Someone signed my nipple.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
