Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
