the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
