youre lurking in front of me
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
