Jerry, you need to find god
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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