so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
