I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
